Period.

The period is

by far

my favorite

punctuation.

Commas are so neurotic,

so unsure of themselves,

always needing something extra to add,

something to rephrase,

so fucking afraid that they haven’t put it

quite right

Or said enough.

Noncommittal pussies.

Dashes are like children

constantly interrupting

while adults are trying to have

a real conversation.

No. You may not say just one more thing really quick.

You just interrupted someone

who knows about a billion times more than you.

Shut the fuck up and wait your turn.

Someday you might grow up

And be a real sentence someday

But until then

Stay outta my goddamn way.

You little shit.

Semi-colons are like that dude

at that party

who’s covered in cat hair

and totally up his own ass

And he’s like, “Oh, I know this thing,

Aren’t I sooooo fucking smart?”

And you’re like, “Whatever, dude.”

Pompous douchebag.

Then you’ve got the contemptible parenthesis,

A punctuation

designed specifically

to be ignored.

The exact fucking opposite of what writing

should aspire to be.

Be bold, parentheses.

Be vital.

Stand up for yourself.

Refuse to be ignored.

Own the sentence you’re standing in,

You limp dick fuck.

Then there’s a whole bunch

Of other punctuations

I’ll skip

‘cause fuck it.

Exclamation points and ellipses

Are better than the rest

But they do call attention

To themselves

And tend to overstay their welcome.

Question marks are the worst.

Anyone can ask a question.

Questions risk nothing.

Writing that doesn’t

risk anything

is worthless.

Dare to make statements.

Dare to be wrong.

Dare to be ridiculed.

Dare to give people
good reasons
to hate you.

Dare to look like a pretentious, egotistical, narcissistic, regressive, shallow, heartless, pathetic asshole.

Dare to be human

and put a period at the end
of your goddamn sentence.