Wednesday, March 12, 2014


The period is
by far
my favorite

Commas are so neurotic,
so unsure of themselves,
always needing something extra to add,
something to rephrase,
so fucking afraid that they haven’t put it
quite right
Or said enough.
Noncommittal pussies.

Dashes are like children
constantly interrupting
while adults are trying to have
a real conversation.
No. You may not say just one more thing really quick.
You just interrupted someone
who knows about a billion times more than you.
Shut the fuck up and wait your turn.
Someday you might grow up
And be a real sentence someday
But until then
Stay outta my goddamn way.
You little shit.

Semi-colons are like that dude
at that party
who’s covered in cat hair
and totally up his own ass
And he’s like, “Oh, I know this thing,
Aren’t I sooooo fucking smart?”
And you’re like, “Whatever, dude.”
Pompous douchebag.

Then you’ve got the contemptible parenthesis,
A punctuation
designed specifically
to be ignored.
The exact fucking opposite of what writing
should aspire to be.
Be bold, parentheses.
Be vital.
Stand up for yourself.
Refuse to be ignored.
Own the sentence you’re standing in,
You limp dick fuck.

Then there’s a whole bunch
Of other punctuations
I’ll skip
‘cause fuck it.

Exclamation points and ellipses
Are better than the rest
But they do call attention
To themselves
And tend to overstay their welcome.

Question marks are the worst.
Anyone can ask a question.
Questions risk nothing.
Writing that doesn’t
risk anything
is worthless.

Dare to make statements.
Dare to be wrong.
Dare to be ridiculed.
Dare to give people
good reasons
to hate you.
Dare to look like a pretentious, egotistical, narcissistic, regressive, shallow, heartless, pathetic asshole.

Dare to be human
and put a period at the end
of your goddamn sentence.

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